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Category: Dear Pastor Don:

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Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:

I have two questions:

1.) What advice would you give to a man who pays more attention to his concubines than his first wife and children, bearing in mind the importance of the success of the first marriage?

2.) How can a smoking husband who is a workaholic achieve his career goals yet still pay proper attention to their homes?

Signed:
Non-smoker wife.

Dear Non-smoker wife:

Even though smoking is a stinky habit, I don't know how that would affect his career goals or his ability to pay proper attention to his family.

But if you simply want him to stop smoking you can visit the following links for advice o­n that:

http://www.lungusa.org/site/apps/s/content.asp?c=dvLUK9O0E&b=34706&ct=66703

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&rls=GGLD%2CGGLD%3A2004-31%2CGGLD%3Aen&q=%22husband+to+stop+smoking%22

As for your desire that he give his first family more attention. The best way to get others to pay attention to you, including your husband, is to pay more attention to yourself. Whatever you love doing (as long as it's good for you and it is righteous) do it more. Shower yourself with attention.

Another way to change your husband is with positive behavior modification. You must start treating your husband as well as you would treat your dog. You know that your dog will always be loyal to you and never do wrong unless he's just too stupid to know any better. Treat your husband the same way. There was even a movie made with this very subject as the plot. The fact is that the movie was right!

Other behavior modification techniques you can try are to focus o­n all of the good points that your husband has and praise them as if you're the poet of the house. Surely everything written in love poems is not true but poets write them all the same. Do the same as the poets do, especially in front of your children. It may take some acting ability but the results are worth it. Flattery works better o­n men than o­n women.

Never compare your husband to other men unfavorably.
Frequently compare your husband to other men favorably.

Sometimes adding great habits to your daily routine can be more effective than quitting bad habits. You can't be perfect and nobody should expect you to be perfect but if you can start doing additional things that are outstanding then he'll stop noticing whatever it is that he "thinks" he doesn't like. The fact is that when a man appears to prefer someone or something to you it's not always for the reasons that you think. So don't assume that you can read his mind. Rather than focus too much attention o­n changing things in yourself that you may be wrongly assuming he's not happy with, focus o­n adding to who you are in a way that will not take away from your family environment. I'll leave that up to your imagination.

I'm convinced that any woman can become a "favorite" of her husband if she'll add to the person she is simply by doing the stuff that she's planned o­n for so long but put off. This could include little household projects or involvement in groups that you've been interested in at some time in your life.

Make sure you don't nag. It won't do any good, so why do it at all?

Tell your children how much you love your husband. By doing so it will become a household assumption that you have a great love for him.

Finally, read the Bible regularly to your children. It's good for you and it's good for your children.

I know that much of this sounds o­ne sided but there is o­nly o­ne way to change anyone and that is by changing yourself. It doesn't require you to change from being who you are but o­nly to add to who you already are. There's nothing wrong with you. There's simply a dynamic that needs shaking up in your relationship so that your husband will say to himself, "Wow, this is really fun. Who is this woman I married. I hadn't realized there was so much creativity in her."



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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 26, 2005 - 03:39 AM  

Letters to Pastor Don

The following was sent to me via a contact form o­n o­ne of my websites. I think it's important to note that the sender left a fake email account with their comment. The sender accuses others of emotional insecurity as well as mental, social, and spiritual weakness. I find it revealing that he was not secure enough or strong enough to leave his correct email address for I would have been happy to engage in as lively a debate concerning the issue as he would have so desired.

Dear Pastor Don:

Polygamy is rarely accepted by an educated woman who is capable of supporting herself and has grown past the teenage years. Polygamy is a doctrine that must be introduced to women who are either emotionally insecure because of their age or their mental capacity for self-determination. Anyone who would subjugate themselves to the absolute rule of another is mentally, socially, and spiritually weak. The true obligation of men and women is to support each other, and live as equals in every way.

Signed:
No Signatures For Me

Dear No Signatures for Me:

Dr. Christina Landman of  the University of South Africa, obviously an educated woman, would disagree with you. She favors extending polygamy rights to white South African men in order to give current wives of South African men more power. Remaining the wife of a man with a second wife is superior in many cases to losing the husband entirely through divorce.

All Christians would take issue with your statement that, "Anyone who would subjugate themselves to the absolute rule of another is mentally, socially, and spiritually weak."

By definition, all Christians subjugate themselves to the absolute rule of the Person of Jesus the Christ. Many bear witness that they find freedom and strength through that subjugation. Could it be that you have not yet experienced the freedom and strength found through the Lordship of Jesus? There are those of us who choose a life of service both to God and man and in that we are not ashamed. We will be praying that you may likewise be blessed through subjugation to our Lord.

Sincerely, Pastor Don Milton



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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 24, 2005 - 10:34 AM  

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:

In 2003 my wife left me after we had an argument over her disdainful attitude and the fact that my four year old daughter had begun to mimic her disrespectful behavior. The argument went way beyond where I expected it to go and ended when she left for her mother's with the children.

My friend who was the groom at my wedding, his wife, and another couple that serve as itinerant preachers encouraged her to continue the separation. In my remorse I sought couple counseling, o­ne session of which we both attended. Within three weeks she was able to use the local authorities to her benefit and had me removed from my own home. Two further counseling sessions were scheduled, she was absent for both. She then announced that she was filing for divorce.

Prior to her filing for the divorce she took a part time job at the new church where I had been fellowshipping. She began working there at my suggestion. Within three months she had formed an improper relationship with a minister from this very church!

The minister and my wife were .......



Note: Pastor Don Milton gets letters from Christians at varying stages of their marriage and gives answers based o­n the Bible. If you're in a situation about which you'd like advice just write to Pastor Don. The words above with asterisks next to them (*) indicate that there are Bible references available o­n this site. For the Bible references for this article click o­n the hyperlink below: http://www.christianmarriage.andromony.com/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=23&mode=thread&order=0&thold=0

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 14, 2005 - 03:03 AM  Read full article: 'The Fornicating Minister and My Wife' (520 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:

I've heard the economic reasons for a wife to have a co-wife with her to help her with the household chores but I believe that we know from the Bible that there is always strife between the co-wives in a marriage.

Signed:Definitely Not Convinced in Colorado

Dear Definitely Not Convinced in Colorado:

I must first point out that in marriage there is no such a thing as a "co-wife." A woman who is married to a man who already has another wife is no less a wife. Wives don't go to a husband as a package. If they do, that is not marriage. Women cannot have some agreement between themselves that supercedes the marriage between the husband and his wife/wives.



Note: Pastor Don Milton confronts the issues brought up by those opposing Christian Marriage directly. The objections to Christian Marriage are based o­n the fear that monogamous households will suddenly become polygamous. Are you willing to stop learning what the bible teaches about marriage simply to protect your golden calf of monogamy?

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 11, 2005 - 07:24 PM  Read full article: 'Strife between wives.' (829 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:

I was divorced from my first husband for fornication so it was a Biblical divorce. I then got married to a second man and he divorced me for fornication as well. After that I repented and came to know the Lord. Can I remarry my first husband?

Signed:
Fickle in Philadelphia

Dear Fickle in Philadelphia:

You may not remarry your first husband. The Bible's laws o­n morality apply whether you have been born again or not. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 addresses this issue.



Note: Pastor Don Milton writes about various Christian Marriage topics. Pastor Don believes God and does not follow the culture. How about you? Are you ready to follow the Bible and nothing but the Bible?

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 10, 2005 - 10:11 PM  Read full article: 'Divorce & Remarriage of the Same Man' (383 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don
Dear Pastor Don:My wife wants to talk with wives who are married to the same man. She's also asking me what the neighbors would think if I had more than o­ne wife.Signed:Good Husband in SeattleDear Good Husband in Seattle:There are not very many polygamous families where the wives wish to discuss their marriage. If I had more than o­ne wife, which I don't, I would not want my wives discussing our marriages with others. That is normal. Does your wife discuss your marriage with others? I doubt it. Just explain to your wife that if she were to find wives in polygamy willing to discuss it with others that they would likely be seeking to validate their own marriages and would not be the best representation of successful polygamous marriages. Those who practice polygamy successfully would likely not want any focus o­n it. It is not salvation. They have nothing to gain and everything to lose by discussing their private family.


Note: Pastor Don Milton teaches Christian Marriage according to the Bible even where controversial issues are concerned such as polygamy. If you have any questions concerning any marriage topics feel free to write to Pastor Don. You'll receive a straight forward answer.

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 10, 2005 - 02:38 AM  Read full article: 'Why are men with more than one wife so secretive.' (97 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don
Dear Pastor Don:

I have been divorced twice. In both cases the wives wanted me to divorce them and in both cases I have been having custody problems. After reading some of what you have written I am also concerned as to whether I have been divorced in accordance with the Bible.

Signed:
Loving Daddy in Baltimore

Dear Loving Daddy in Baltimore:

Concerning your custody rights. If you are the one with the higher income, get an attorney who represents "men only" in divorce cases. The biblical implications of your situation are much easier than your custody problem. If you civilly divorced your wives without any stipulation that I was only a civil divorce and not a biblical divorce then indeed the civil divorce served as a biblical divorce. Jesus did not forbid divorcing for any and every reason, in fact, He addressed the issue of hardness of hearts which is an unavoidable cause of divorce in many instances. After having stated that, He went on to give the consequences o divorcing for other than fornication, that if the wife remarries, she will be "thought to be an adulteress," being suspect for such a quick remarriage. The English translation does not capture the true meaning of the tense which is passive or middle deponent "thought to have" or "thought to be." Below are the two translations of that verse. The first straight from the KJV. The second, with the words inserted to signify the meaning of the tense.

Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

Matthew 5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to [be thought to have] commited adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced [shall be thought to have been the one with whom she] committed adultery.

Tense: Present Voice: Middle or Passive Deponent Mood: Infinitive

Note: Pastor Don Milton offers advice to the married, to the unmarried, and to those who don't know which they are. Feel free to write Pastor Don with your questions.

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 10, 2005 - 02:25 AM  

Letters to Pastor Don
Dear Pastor Don:

I've noticed so many articles about Christian Marriage as if it's some giant thing. Don't couples just have to try to get along and be civil? Can't a man just get along with his wife by treating her the way he'd like to be treated?

Signed:
Nice Guy in Cleveland

Dear Nice Guy in Cleveland:

There is a song in the movie "My Fair Lady" that goes, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?" A woman will not be satisfied being treated the way you want to be treated. She wants to be treated better than you would want to be treated. It is obvious from your question that you've either had very little experience with marriage or your wife has you wrapped around her little finger. If you're not married you've got some surprises coming.

Let's look at Proverbs 30:18-19

Note: Pastor Don Milton responds to letters. Sometimes helpful. Nearly always controversial. Pastor Don will give answering your letters his best shot.

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 09, 2005 - 10:33 PM  Read full article: 'Why do you have to make marriage sound so complicated?' (213 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don,

I have read where you stated that it is very important that churches begin keeping track of the divorces of their members as well as those wanting to become members so as to avoid allowing those living in adultery to become part of the assembly and also for the reason that pointing out sin is the first step toward bringing the sinner to repentance and subsequently salvation. I've also read that you believe that the churches should become the record keepers for marriages instead of the state. Which is more important, keeping track of marriages or keeping track of divorces?

Signed:
Seeking Light in Alaska

Dear Seeking Light in Alaska:
The short answer is that they're equally important but your question brings up complex issues. I'll try to address the major issues that your question brings up by beginning with my positions. As in all biblical discussions let's remember that only that which the Bible calls sin is in fact sin. In this article I will lay out my positions that provide the groundwork for our discussion of these issues of marriage, divorce, and adultery.



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Letters to Pastor Don
Dear Pastor Don:
I have always found the men in the Bible quite sexy. Are there still any men in the world like King David, or King Solomon? Are there places where men are not afraid to sweep women off their feet and who expect their wives to willingly submit to them? Am I nuts to want to be one of many wives to a real man? I'm a Christian so I'm thinking of this in terms of finding such a Christian man. Am I crazy?

Signed:
Crazy for the Right Guy

Dear Crazy for the Right Guy,

No, you're not nuts. Our culture denies this universal attraction that women have to powerful men, married powerful men. Although I doubt that you'll find anyone as formidable as King David or King Solomon there are men in the United States as well as other countries who practice Christianity and also have more than one wife.

Note: Pastor Don Milton has spent considerable time in the Philippines researching as well as travelling throughout the country. He also has a second home there.

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 04, 2005 - 07:39 AM  Read full article: 'The Best Men are Taken?' (143 more words)

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:
Why do so many pastors tell the men in their church not to divorce their wife even when she has committed adultery? A friend of mine is going through great anguish because his wife has committed adultery with another man in the church. Doesn't Jesus permit divorce for adultery?

Signed: Trying to be Righteous in Chicago

Dear Trying to be Righteous in Chicago:

Fornication, not adultery, is the only reason a husband need have to divorce his wife. Adultery is the most grievous type of fornication so of course Jesus permits divorce for adultery. Reconciliation with an adulterous wife has never been promoted in any shape or form in the Bible. Why would you reconcile with a dead person? The penalty for adultery is death. That's the reason that Jesus didn't give adultery as a reason for divorce. His listeners were Jewish and they were well aware that the penalty for adultery is death. That has not changed. It does not make sense to stay married to a corpse.
The verse some pastors use to let disgusting people get away with disgusting things is John 8:7

"So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

The problem is that in quoting the verse, the words 'among you' are left out. The sin of those bringing the woman to be judged was that they did not bring the man who was caught in adultery with her.

Many laymen and ministers misquote Jesus by repeating the liberal line, "He that is without sin, let him cast the first stone." I say 'liberal line' because this quote is not from the Bible and is certainly not what Jesus said. Jesus said, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her."

Jesus was speaking to the case before him and to a specific group; the Scribes and Pharisees. The Scribes and Pharisees had brought a woman who they claimed was caught in adultery before Him. Then they did their own misquoting of scripture saying,

"Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?" John 8:5

It must be pointed out that their case had no merit because Moses in the law did not command what they said. Here is what Moses in the law actually commanded:

"And the man that committeth adultery with [another] man's wife, [even he] that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death." Leviticus 20:10

Where was the man? The Scribes and Pharisees did not bring a man because they were tempting Jesus to improperly render justice so that they could accuse Him. "They said this, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him." John 8:6

The law required both the man and the woman to be stoned. Jesus did not change the penalty for adultery and it remains the same today; "The adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death." And what is an adulterer? "the man that committeth adultery with [another] man's wife, [even he] that committeth adultery with his neighbour's wife."

The double sin of pastors who quote John 8:7 out of context is that they full well know that John 7:53 - 8:11 have been deemed spurious by most theologians. This is easily discerned by reading John 7:52 followed by John 8:12,13,&14. I've done it for you below. See how they fit seamlessly together in discussing Jesus' authority:

"They answered and said unto him, Art thou also of Galilee? Search, and look: for out of Galilee ariseth no prophet. Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. The Pharisees therefore said unto him, Thou bearest record of thyself; thy record is not true. Jesus answered and said unto them, Though I bear record of myself, yet my record is true: for I know whence I came, and whither I go; but ye cannot tell whence I come, and whither I go." John 7:52, John 8:12,13,&14

John 7:53-John 8:11 was likely inserted between the lines of the above narrative but regardless, it may still be Scripture. It doesn't contradict Scripture but must be understood in light of the fact that the Scribes and Pharisees "said this, tempting him, that they might have to accuse him." John 8:6

The liberal search for the perfect judge referenced in the incorrectly abbreviated phrase, "he who is without sin" takes a path far different from that advised by Jesus' true and prudent words "first take the mote out of your eye." He even calls upon us to judge when he says to make a "righteous judgment" in John 7:24 How could we even have judges if a judge must be without sin "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

Since our government does not impose the death penalty for adultery, the wife who commits adultery should simply be given a Bill of Divorcement and excommunicated from her church. The wife of the man who is caught with another man's wife should put whatever legal pressure is necessary to get him to give her a civil divorce and make sure that he writes that it also serves as a Bill of Divorcement. He should then be excommunicated from his church. The Bible requires death so no one should complain of harsh treatment, they've gotten off with a light sentence.

A Bill of Divorcement is first mentioned in Deuteronomy 24:1 with clarifications for its application in Deuteronomy 24:3 further references to it can be found in Isaiah 50:1, Matthew 5:31, Matthew 19:7, and Mark 10:4. A Bill of Divorcement is extremely important for without it a wife remains married to her husband. Nowhere in the Bible is permission given to a woman to divorce her husband, only to separate from him. The reverse is not true. The Bible is not an equal rights manual when it comes to the rules applying to men and women and since you're a Christian, I'm sure this is no surprise to you. The Bill of Divorcement is important for a number of reasons. First, many churches do not recognize civil divorces. The Roman Catholic church does not recognize a civil divorce. Orthodox Jews do not recognize a civil divorce unless it is accompanied by a Bill of Divorcement. Many other churches and ministries similarly don't recognize a civil divorce. The odd thing to many is that although the state recognizes only a civil divorce, virtually all the states recognize a marriage, civil or otherwise. It is a perversion of scripture to advise a man not to divorce his adulterous wife. It is to allow the land to become polluted. Jeremiah 3:1 If a man may not take back his wife whom he divorced and who married another man, how much more so a woman who was not given the benefit of divorce, committed adultery, and wanted to be taken back. The first did not commit adultery, the second did. She's lucky enough to be getting off without the death penalty. You don't hear these points from most churches because Retail Christianity is primarily supported by women who want to pretend that they are the same as men. Adulterous women and the men who share in their crime are guilty of heinous acts punishable by death. If we don't consider these things in accordance with what God teaches in the Bible then our understanding of our own fallen nature will be clouded for we won't understand the true depravity of man. We will simply become Romans handing out dispensations for contributions to the practitioners of Retail Christianity who rather than ministers should be called simonists. There is nothing wrong with a man forgiving his adulterous wife posthumously or at the very least after the divorce is final and she has disinherited all the children and given them to him. But there is no reason for someone guilty of a capital crime to retain any say in the household. Finally, if a woman isn't willing to give her children up entirely to the man against whom she has committed adultery then she isn't repentant in the least for she doesn't even realize that the penalty for her crime is supposed to be much worse than losing the rights to her children. It is supposed to be death. How can a woman repent of adultery if she doesn't even accept that her crime is worthy of death.

In fact, a man may divorce his wife for offenses far short of adultery. A man may divorce his wife for fornication as Jesus stated. So what sins are fornication? If a wife goes into her front yard and does a Buddhist chant then she is committing fornication and may be divorced. If a wife walks around the neighborhood naked she has committed fornication, and may be divorced. Offering sex to another man is fornication although if the wife doesn't follow through on the offer it is not adultery but fornication and the husband can divorce his wife for that.

In closing, remember that everything that Jesus said regarding permission for divorce was said to men who understood that the penalty for adultery was death. Jesus spoke to grounds for divorce that were short of adultery because a man does not have to divorce a dead wife. Joseph was a righteous man, therefore he sought to put away his wife quietly. Matthew 1:19 In other words, instead of having her stoned, he decided to divorce her. Besides, without two eye witnesses his wife could not have been convicted of adultery because circumstantial evidence is not accepted under Biblical law. Granted, the penalties are much greater but so is the burden of proof. Now Joseph was a righteous man and yet he would have divorced his wife had he not been told by the angel that his wife was with child by the Holy Spirit. A man who makes light of adultery by forgiving instead of divorcing his adulterous wife is not a righteous man. He is a polluter of the land. Jeremiah 3:1

It is love for God that we should obey Him. It is not love for God when we pollute the land for in polluting the land we make it more difficult for others to see their sinful nature and they become less likely to come to a saving knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ.

Can one guilty of adultery go to heaven? Of course. Everyone is capable of repentance with the help of the Holy Spirit and through the grace of God. The man being crucified with Jesus repented and saw the Kingdom of God. If we enact the death penalty for adulterers and adulteresses in America that would not prevent them from repenting prior to their death by stoning and if their repentance were genuine they would see the Kingdom of God.

So what can a wife do if her husband has had relations with the wife of another man? She can request that he give her a Bill of Divorcement but if he does not give it she will not be free to remarry. Regardless, she must not have relations with him again because he has polluted himself by having relations with the wife of another man. If we reach the point where the civil authorities are willing to enforce biblical law short of the death penalty for adultery they could at least compel him to give her a Bill of Divorcement in lieu of imprisonment. There are many righteous ways that fornicators and adulterers and adulteresses can be dealt with. We don't need to lower our standards in order to deal effectively with sinners. In addition, the Bible has such high standards for prosecuting cases that even though the penalties are harsher, the percentage of cases resulting in conviction are lower.

Now you may be asking yourself whether there may ever be restoration to fellowship for those who have committed adultery? Of course there can be but to restore the guilty party in the same congregation as the offended party would be like restoring a murderer in the same church as the child who he murdered. God forbid that we should be so unloving that we should put victim's rights below the rights of the perpetrators of heinous crimes. If you're having a hard time understanding that adultery is a capital crime then please read your Bible more and pray.

What other results may come of having our governments follow Biblical law in particular when it comes to marriage and chastity? The bride price would go up. What this means for modern women is that their value would be elevated. Today, women give themselves away for free. Some even shack up for nothing with no commitment whatsoever from the man. Under Biblical law a number of things happen regarding women. Since a man can have more than one wife the number of available women becomes scarcer. This means that women can expect a higher caliber of men courting them. Under Biblical law a rapist must think twice for if he rapes a married or betrothed woman he will receive the death penalty. If he rapes a virgin he'll be required to pay the bride's price even if the woman's father hasn't given him permission to marry her. Because of these two things, the likelihood of rape would decrease since the penalties would have increased so drastically. In addition, if the father decides to have him marry the woman he will not be permitted to divorce her, even if she runs naked through the streets! Hmm, sounds like the penalty for belonging to some churches in America; no divorce even if the wife is guilty of the worst types of fornication. On the other side of the coin it would not pay a woman to lose her virginity for if she did then she'd have little protection from rapists if her lack of virginity were known. There would be no monetary penalties other than those imposed for cases of simple assault.



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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 03, 2005 - 05:42 AM  

Letters to Pastor Don

Dear Pastor Don:
I believe that a man can have more than one wife and still be a Christian. Now that I've come to this conclusion, how do I tell my wife? How can I know how she'll respond?

Scaredy Cat in Maine:


Dear Scaredy Cat:

It is impossible to know how your wife may respond to your broaching the subject of polygamy. I can tell you that it is 90 percent likely that she will have a violent reaction. Repeat, it is 90 percent likely that she will have a violent reaction.

When you initially talk about polygamy with her she may think it's truly in theory that you're bringing it up and discuss it like there's nothing wrong with it since she has likely heard that missionaries in foreign lands don't forbid it. But the fact is, you will o­nly find out how close she is to God when you find out whether she is willing to submit to the word of God concerning marriage. How many wives submit to biblical principles of marriage within monogamy? How few indeed when polygamy is involved.

When and if you introduce her to real life Christian polygamists she will likely want to impose the death penalty or prison upon them regardless of her prior acceptance of the fact that polygamy should be permitted by missionaries in foreign lands. You'll find that her reaction will be much worse to Christian polygamists than to polygamists of other religions because it will strike her too close to home.

Your relationship with your wife will be changed forever. She may divorce you. She may even commit adultery shortly after you bring up the topic of polygamy with her. She may even try to injure or kill you.

If you follow the advice of some polygamy advocates o­n the Internet you will likely be forced to suffer many years of unhappiness because they will encourage you to bring up polygamy with her o­n a regular basis using their so called love not force method. Any man who loves himself would not even think of going through the years of torment required to love a wife into letting him have more than o­ne wife. All the while you would be loving, she would be hating and mistreating you. The wives of men who have tried this method do everything they can to make life miserable for them. Month after month, your wife will threaten you with everything from divorce to taking away the kids to even lying about your behavior.

Who does the "love not force" approach to polygamy help most? It helps those who receive donations from the men supporting the ministries advocating this method. Those men will be supporting the "love not force" promoters forever since it will be forever until their wives accept polygamy voluntarily. If you try this method your wife may actually claim to accept the idea of polygamy so that she can have some dirt to throw at you in a custody battle. A judge will be even less sympathetic to polygamy than your estranged wife.

There is a new obstacle to those who mention "love not force" to their wives. If their wife mentions "love not force" to a counselor who's worth his salt, he'll just visit the "love not force" website to research the subject and report back to the wife, saying, "Just keep pretending like you're listening to what he's saying but keep telling him that you're not ready yet. His mentor tells him that he can't have another wife unless you say so. Just string him along, by the time he's 70 he'll give this up!" The wife will say, "70? why should I stop there. I'm going to torment this monster till he goes to his death bed. He'll have his eyes fixed o­n me. I'll be his lord."

Your wife will be your lord. Your eyes will be fixed o­n her. This case is sort of like the lottery and is why I'm against the lottery. When a man buys a lottery ticket, where are his eyes fixed? o­n the possibility of riches, not o­n the Lord. When a man turns over the decision making process for having another wife then where are his eyes fixed? o­n his wife, o­n that hope, that giver of ..... WHAT! You get my point.

So what's the real problem with taking another wife? If you have children the real problem is that they may be taken away from you by a disagreeable wife. YOU MUST NOT make any rash decisions because of this.

When it comes to discussing polygamy with your wife my o­nly advice is DON'T DO IT! Don't bring up polygamy with your wife unless you're already practicing it. It's just not worth it. To bring up polygamy with your wife when you haven't even got a secret wife is to ask for unnecessary torment.

If you have a secret wife then your first wife will probably be motivated to compete with her but your wife will have no motivation to compete with an idea. Her discussion of polygamy will more closely resemble an inquisition than a conversation between believers. She will want to quash your idea. She may want you to renounce what you know to be a valid form of marriage. She may want to put your mind in chains and not be satisfied until she succeeds. If she succeeds in this then you'll be in submission to her in all other areas as well. Your spiritual walk will be gravely affected if you renounce any of your beliefs in submission to your wife. At least if you wait until you already have a secret wife you will have someone o­n whom you can lean in your hours, days, weeks, months, years, of distress! ha ha ha

I'm laughing but I'm dead serious. Why put yourself in torment? If you take a second wife secretly you will have someone with whom you can share your life after your wife throws her fit. You'll be able to say ok honey, ok honey, and still enjoy your life. However, if you say ok honey, ok honey, and are not practicing polygamy then you'll feel isolated and in chains.

Because of the possibility of a custody battle, it's extremely important the second wife accept that she's in it for the long haul, that she is in fact married and that she accepts that her remaining with the man in that marriage is not contingent upon the first wife accepting the marriage. If she stands by her man then not only will he get custody of the children (a man with a new wife gets custody over a "divorcee" in nearly every court in the land) but it is much more likely that the first wife will accept the polygamous marriage in order to be near the children. (See Notes - Intervention) If the children are enrolled in a public or private school for at least a year prior to the time that the second wife is introduced to the first then there is even less of a chance that the court will award custody to the first wife since the court will have no reason to believe that the child is being "brainwashed" by a "polygamist" who homeschools his children. (Brainwashing by public schools is another issue.)

There is a horrible worst case scenario for men who introduce a second wife to their first wife. It goes like this: First wife meets second wife. First wife seeks civil divorce from husband. Second wife feels guilty and leaves. First wife gets custody of children. Husband has no first wife, no second wife, no children. Any man who has not considered this possibility is too foolish to be worthy of more than one wife in the first place. However, when there is a second wife already in the picture there is at least the likelihood that she will remain and that the husband will not loose his children in a custody battle.

When a man simply takes the so-called "love not force" advice (permission slip polygamy) and brings up polygamy with his wife before he even has a second wife in the wings, he risks losing his children overnight in a custody battle. Furthermore, without a second wife as witness to the events in the months previous to the custody battle, the man will have no defense against the false accusations of abuse which are so common in child custody cases. With a second wife who has been witness to the events in the months prior to the custody battle, it will be the word of two (the man and his new wife) against one (the divorcee.)

The so-called "Love not Force" method of convincing a wife of polygamy's rightness prior to embarking on it has imposed incalculable suffering on men and their children by precipitating divorce where none would have occurred if the man had only waited till he actually had a second wife in waiting.

The last time I checked, New Jersey did not recognize "ceremonial marriages." This means that the State of New Jersey considers sex after a ceremonial marriage conducted in New Jersey to be sex, not a consummation of marriage. Such being the case, a couple who polygamously marry in a ceremonial marriage (no license) in New Jersey can NOT be considered practicing polygamy or bigamy by any other court in the United States. However, their living together can be taken into consideration as beneficial to the children in all of the United States. In addition, if polygamous beliefs cannot be held against a Muslim husband in custody cases then neither can they be held against a Christian in custody battles. [None of this is legal advice but legal opinion. Seek an attorney for legal advice.]

Notes: Intervention - The most successful treatment for alcoholics who don't want treatment is referred to as intervention. It involves putting the alcoholic in a situation where they are forced to choose one of two choices they don't like. One such scenario might be to give them the following choices:

Give up drinking and be in jail for 30 days.
Give up drinking and be in treatment for 30 days.

Given these two choices, most alcoholics choose treatment.



Note: Pastor Don Milton receives letters on a daily basis from those seeking advice on all types of marriage issues. Names or events will never be displayed in a way that will give away the identity of the writer of the letter.

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Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Jan 03, 2005 - 01:48 AM  

Letters to Pastor Don
Dear Pastor Don:

I knew my husband for 4 1/2 years before we married. Three weeks into the marriage, he confided in me that he had a drug problem. He has since physically struck me and I am no longer in the home. I am praying for my husband and I desire reconcilliation and healing. I love my husband. Do you have any scripture that would support my stand?

Thankyou, "Standing by my man"

Note: Pastor Don discusses topics related to this marriage article in other sections of this website. Verses referenced: Ephesians 5:33

Posted by: Pastor_Don_Milton on Dec 31, 2004 - 06:12 PM  Read full article: 'Hidden Drug Use Prior to Marriage' (426 more words)

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